Post no. 7: The only thing I have is my commitment.
Most of the time I’m just thinking why on earth am I even doing this.
Either I’m crying, randomly scrolling through my phone diving deeper into apathy and distraction, or still wandering on the streets with a glazed look in my eyes.
I keep on thinking that I should blog in a more constructive way to make this interesting or useful. Everybody hates whining. I hate whining. Boo-hoo, why am I not famous. Oh gosh, please, stop.
It sucks to lack self-trust. And it’s even more annoying to be so privileged and yet whine. But what sucks the most is a human trying to neglect his humanity — i.e. his emotions. I’m not a jesus, nor a robot.
So this is the only road I got.
The road of questioning the shit out of me.
I will humiliate myself with these writings.
I will ruin both of my future careers.
Too pathetic to be an artist,
too crazy to do anything related to political science.
I’m doomed to failure.
Or maybe I’m simply becoming crazy. Though I don’t feel I’m mentally ill. I just feel…a lot. Yeah, I just feel a lot. Overwhelmingly lot. Exhaustingly lot.
Definitely not crazy,
not a jesus,
nor a robot.
A mess?
An honest, authentic mess?
Yup, right here.
The one thing that I do find valuabe is that despite not believing in this nor the ‘result’ of this, I have committed to this.
That commitment is the promise that has glued me to this journey despite its ridiculousness and randomness. That commitment keeps me writing. That commitment keeps me trying to open up once again for music.
It’s in that commitment until next May where I find my self-respect.
This is my pilgrimage.
Every now and then I get this glimpse where I see some greater version of myself. Courageous for writing so honestly, so eloquent in her expression, so strong and influential in her thoughts!
…and then I find myself back on the road again.
The road of questioning the shit out of me.
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I’m an artist working on my album until May 2018. These blog posts will be used as building blocks for a book about creativity once the album is done.
Listen to my music, and come say hello on any of my social media channels (FB, IG, TW). Also, don’t hesitate to send me an email at annimusicinfo (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks. xo
