Blog post no. 34: What a great, nasty teacher you were, Ms. Bad Influence.
I stopped writing here. Why? Because someone whose opinion I appreciated made me think it would not be such a good idea.
“Well if you want to write about the messiness of the process, go ahead. (But I wouldn’t do it.)”
The thing is, even after her true nature was revealed to me I didn’t come back here. I didn’t continue writing because it took me so much time to realize the fullness of her influence. And it wasn’t just this blog where she cast her shadow. Her attitudes and opinions have been lingering around like a weird smell long after she was gone. Spring cleaning is getting ever more new meanings.
I thought I knew better, but I didn’t. I should trust myself. I know what I’m doing. But yet again I wanted to believe someone else because isn’t it nice when there’s someone else who tells you what to do? At least that way you don’t have to have your stuff figured out. Responsibility outsourced!
What I started to think was that what I was going through both good and bad would have somehow been too much for others to read. (I’m talking about both The Alchemist -level fairytale stuff and the corniest and most awkward self-pity and misery.) But of course people can handle that stuff! Of course you can handle that. No one person’s experience is that unique. It’s universal. We are humans. Everybody’s life is a different mix of real struggle, self-inflicted stupidity, being high on life’s beauty and humbling grace + some random magic coming from existing in this vastness of space and time of which we really don’t know that much about.
Ms. Bad Influence wanted me to think it would be better to hide the messy part and instead strive for perfection. And for a while I really believed that?
Luckily I got all of that stuff in my journals. So the book on creativity will come and no important twist or turn won’t be left out. (For me this somehow feels very important to know.)
And I am back here now.
Unpolished, i.e. authentic.
Imperfect, i.e. relatable.
Frustrated about myself, i.e. vulnerable.
Showing up again to finish what I started, i.e. persistent.
Again remembering my role as a student for life — of life! — and accepting my flawness and flakiness, i.e. humble, teachable.
By writing this post, I take back the power from the wrong influence.
You can slow me down.
And you can distract me.
You can even make me fully stop for a while.
But you will never prevent me from finding my way back to my own truth.
And that’s exactly why my album will be called The Rising.
And that’s exactly why this album writing process, this blog, everything about it has been such a huge, precious teacher.
So thank you, Ms. Bad Influence, for keeping me away from this blog and from so many other important things. By overcoming you, you have made me ever more powerful. And I will write even more fearlessly. I will live even more fearlessly.
Because now I truly know I can trust myself.
I am on my side. Always.
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I’m an artist working on my album. These blog posts will be used as building blocks for a book about creativity once the album is done.
Listen to my music, and come say hello on any of my social media channels (FB, IG, TW). Thanks. xo
