Post no. 17: This project isn’t what I thought it’s about.
I took a little break from blogging. Or actually, I experienced extremely painful and prolongued back ache after receiving more beautiful feedback than ever before that kind of prevented me of tapping into my writing mode. I know, sounds crazy but that’s what happened.
A month ago I had a perfomance. Instead of worrying whether I will sound good and people will like me, I focused on serving the audience. I focused on lifting the vibrations of the venue. And the day ended up being beyond my dreams. I could hear my voice ring stronger, clearer, more effortless than ever. Like it wasn’t coming out of my body. Yet I was in total control of it.
I can’t remember the last time I felt like that on stage.
And I know I have never in my life gotten such feedback. (Thank you.)
After the event my back started to hurt and as the days went by it became more and more painful to a point I was pretty much unable to move. Eventually I learnt it wasn’t about the muscles. I was told my nervous system had gotten so sensitive it interpreted everything as pain, even the gentlest stretch or movement. The reason for this was mental and physical overexertion. The cure? Not yoga, not light exercise, as those would only be interpreted as pain. Instead, I had to simply lay down on the floor and think kind thoughts. Talking about symbolism.
I find it interesting how my body became so overly sensitive after receiving overwhelmingly positive feedback, interpreting everything as pain. But actually it’s not that surprising at all. Honest and sincerely positive feedback have meant a threat to me.
I had learnt to mistrust positive feedback.
I had learnt to suspect it because of earlier experiences of being lifted up and then let down.
I had learnt to remember I will never be good enough, especially if at times I might have felt I was.
I had learnt it’s not enough to just allow things flow, but that you must work exhaustingly hard all the time. That only through burning out one will succeed. Things should not feel natural, easy, effortless.
Yet I became good enough — and not just good enough, but as fitting and great as anything could be in that situation — the moment I stopped measuring and judging myself and my performance and started focusing on serving the situation and the people.
I was having fun,
I was taking risks,
I was vulnerable,
I was virtuotic enough,
I was focusing on serving my audience instead of trying to impress someone,
and thus I was leading the situation.
I was an artist. Maybe for the first time for real, I think I was an artist.
My back is better already, though I’m still writing this lying on the floor. Such a symbolic posture. Surrendering. And still being of value. Of service.
Today is the 2nd of January 2018. The start of this year is so full of await. And that’s why I’m drawn to fill it with suspect, too. I realise I’ve forgotten how to be naturally excited as I’m already waiting for disappointment. I mean I do am excited about things. But it’s not what I’m feeling in my core. In my core I am worried, scared, understanding the vastness and greatness of this path I’ve chosen. The old me, the back ache me, is not fully gone. Beware of the effortless, good vibes, it says. Don’t you think you actually might be great and unique the way you are. Only through suffer and exhaustion you earn good things. I’m calling off this BS.
But still I am scared because I met my greatness and my potential a few times in the last weeks and months of 2017. So I know what I’m capable of. But I also know how much it hurts to fail, to be disappointed after so much hope and hard work. Just the thought of it hurts and paralyzes me as the nerve pain in my back. Luckily I now know the cure, too. Surrender. Lie on the floor. Just be. It’s the same me shining on that stage and lying here on the floor.
So I guess this time I might not fail. Because this time it’s not about the ‘goodness’ of my music. It’s not about me anymore. It’s about being of service, of focusing on the vibrations of this world, and how to tune people to hear themselves and each other. In that equasion I’m just a tool.
I now understand this is a totally different journey I thought I was on. This is not about finding the right melodies or catchy lyris, perfecting my vocal chops nor coming up with the coolest production choices. This is about becoming the person — the artist — I’ve always known I am. As pain and fear usually do, my back ache showed me the real direction.
Five months to go. Then a break for the summer before finalizing everything. And 8 November 2018…something. Something tangible to lift the vibrations of this world.
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
I’m an artist working on my album until May 2018. These blog posts will be used as building blocks for a book about creativity once the album is done.
Listen to my music, and come say hello on any of my social media channels (FB, IG, TW). Also, don’t hesitate to send me an email at annimusicinfo (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks. xo
