Post no. 8: I’ve become free. Free of the chain of ambition.
I’ve read stories of these people that one day wake up realising “how did I end up here?”, not being satisfied with their life situation or even totally devastated of how their hard work and dreams ended up in those 10-hour days in an open office. I thought that could only happen to people how are in it for the “wrong reasons” and then eventually “awakening” to what their hearts are saying.
I always thought I’m on a mission here.
But somewhere along the way the mission was being forgotten and all I was left with were the empty shells of goals and measurements: I’ll write this song to get there. I need this gig to take me to that next level. And when a goal wasn’t reached, the very meaning of making music was stained.
Somehow the most important and natural thing in my life became a tool of measuring my value as a human being. (And my value obviously isn’t worth a lot as I haven’t reached the standards I set for myself.)
I became that person waking up asking “how did I end up here?”.
I’m having my second workspace performance this week. The plan is to play healing mantras with a friend. In the dark, audience laying down on the floor. Letting the music embrace us. Hopefully I’ll forget I’m actually the one who’s playing.
This friend asked about my thoughts regarding the event.
Well, seems I’ve lost my ambition. It’s a strange feeling to say the least. Like you just didn’t need to eat anymore. No appetite. No cravings. No hunger. Just no…need to eat. And somehow still exist. A concept totally alien to me.
I used to feel “there’s something in me”, meaning something special, something necessary that needs to come out. That I’m an artist with a calling. Like I wrote, I’m on a mission here. Now…I feel I’ll just go and play something. There’s nothing special. I’m just someone who likes to play and sing.
Shouldn’t expect too much from someone who just likes to play and sing.
You know, just whatever. It’s gonna be nice. That’s about it.
I’m again, like most of the times when writing this blog, sad. I’ve lost something I clung onto for so long: a future image of me. A hypothetical me. A very, very successful me. I’ve lived towards something imaginary, ‘a visionary me’, for so long and for so stubbornly. Clinging onto a vision that’s only a reflection of an oasis in a merciless desert, I became an empty shell on the way. I searched for an empty Grail. Holy or not, even if I had ever reached it, it would have still left me thirsty.
I gave away a hypothetical image I so hard strove for. But it seems like I gained something, too: the freedom of not trying to prove anything anymore.
I’ve become just someone who likes to sing and play.
No need to explain.
No need to prove.
No need to impress.
No need to do anything except enjoy. Just freedom to express, to create, in case an impulse would come.
It does feel like being degraded,
but also like a redemption.
I’ve sinked into acceptance. Things are what they are.
I guess this is a good thing.
No push towards anything.
No urge to change anything.
But it’s terrifying.
Whatever I wanted, whatever I strove for, this is what I got. This is it. There never was any proof nor guarantee that anything I want would come.
There still isn’t.
So why to want anything?
Why to be sad about what is?
Why not just want what is?
Why not just…be, here?
Isn’t this one form of freedom? Not needing to try to change or gain anything.
It’s difficult to let go of the idea that you’re on your way to something. It’s difficult to simply be here instead. But what if this was the place where you were trying to go? Would you be disappointed? Why?
(Yes, I am disappointed about this place — if this is “the place”. And by admitting that disappointment I’m also ashamed of neglecting everything that I do am and that I do have already. Just too many thoughts and emotions right now to think or feel clearly.)
But I’m not going anywhere. I am here.
Here.
Here!
Floating on the waves of time, always here and thus always on the move.
I say goodbye to the hypothetical identities on which I’ve built my own perception of myself. It was a sandcastle. Like forcing a cloud to stick to its shape. Insane. Who would think to have that kind of power?
I take a break from writing this post, like needing to catch my breath before going on, just to discover an unread article from someone I like to read:
So we must learn to say “I believe in you” to one another again. Not what you can become, a lawyer or doctor or politician, but who already are: dignity, love, purpose, grace, truth.
In my new freedom of being just someone who likes music, I whisper to myself: I believe in me. I believe in me. Not what I can become, but who I am. So now, as I don’t need to put my energy on explaining to myself why I’m not there yet, why I’m not that yet, why that thing didn’t work out, why this thing is not finished yet…I can focus on being here.
In peace.
In connection.
In joy.
In trust.
In allowance.
In purpose.
In grace.
Here.
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I’m an artist working on my album until May 2018. These blog posts will be used as building blocks for a book about creativity once the album is done.
Listen to my music, and come say hello on any of my social media channels (FB, IG, TW). Also, don’t hesitate to send me an email at annimusicinfo (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks. xo
